Facing Forward

I just checked my spam in my gmail account and found the most hilarious shit ever.  Five "Breaking News" stories from "msnbc.com."  Check ‘em out. . .

BREAKING NEWS: John Mccain "I Promise To Invade Your Vaginas."

BREAKING NEWS: Michael Jackson Feels A Little Prick

BREAKING NEWS: Alabama girl butchers neighbor with fruit knife

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists Warn Of New Global Luke Warming Threat

BREAKING NEWS: Plane crashes into prep school, hundreds of kids killed

How excellent is that shit.  Quite excellent.  Quite.

Bleed Like Me - Garbage
Doodle takes Dad’s scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in
While she hides the scars she’s making
Underneath her pretty clothes
She sings "Hey, baby, can you bleed like me?
C’mon baby can you bleed like me?"

Running Up That Hill - Placebo
And if I only could
Make a deal with God
And get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
If I only could . . .

Electric Feel - MGMT
[Editor's Note - The lyrics in this song are dumb. The beat, however, is awesome.]

Girls Just Want to Have Fun - Greg Laswell
[Editor's Note - This is a cover, and it is incredible]
The phone rings in the middle of the night
My mother says when ya gonna live your life right
Well, Mother dear, we’re not the fortunate ones
Oh girls they wanna have fun
Oh girls they . . .

Some Olympic "sports" that I would actually give a damn about. . . maybe.

Extreme Verbal Sparring - This would consist of degrading your opponent with your language of choice.  Creativity, Cussing, Racial Epithets, and Puns all factor in to your total score.

Power Walking - A race made up of men and women over the age of 60 power walking around a two kilometer track.  Everday clothing must be worn, no athletic gear is permitted.  Use of iPods or other mobile media is also strictly forbidden.

Lady Fighting - Also known as CatFights.  No Holds Barred fight between suburban ladies.  The first to surrender or die loses.

This commercial for the Hoveround makes me piss myself with delight.

While working at Biggby over the past month I’ve seen many a stupid infomercial.  But when it comes to being the most ridiculous and unnecessary of all these products HD Vision takes the cake.

What is HD Vision, you ask?

HD Vision is a pair of sunglasses that make "the world come alive in brilliant defined color like never before!"  That’s right, HD Vision are sunglasses that make the world more real than it already is.  AMAZING!  And for only $19.95, wow that’s not a rip-off at all.  And they’re so stylish!

The real world in high definition.  Isn’t that a given?  Do I really need sunglasses for that?

Yes, Yes I do.

Most of you know of the singer M.I.A. through her song "Paper Planes."  And you know "Paper Planes" because it is prominently featured in the trailer for the movie The Pineapple Express.  What you may not know is that M.I.A. has been around for four years.

M.I.A. came out with her first cd, Arular, in 2004.  Arular has got some really cool tracks, some favorites of mine are "U.R.A.Q.T." (because it samples the theme to "Sanford & Son") and "Bucky Done Gun" (because I like it’s message of the nonsensicality of fighting for peace).

Kala was M.I.A.’s next album and is the one that most people are familiar with.  This is the cd that features "Paper Planes" and my personal favorite, "Come Around," which also happens to feature Timbaland.

Some of the best names I’ve ever come across are those of old ladies, and by "best" I mean most hilarious.  Which is why I now present to you the ten best old lady names I’ve ever encountered.

1. Beulah
2. Eunice
3. Esther
4. Estelle
5. Opal
6. Doris
7. Gertrude
8. Agnes
9. Mabel
10. Edna

If I ever have a daughter I think I may name her Agnes, cuz it’s hilarious and yet somewhat endearing.

Spanx are/is the most awesome invention that i have ever had the fortune of laying eyes upon.

For those of you who don’t already know, Spanx is a brand of hosiery/undergarments made for women that discretely shape the body.  In essence Spanx is the girdle for the 21st century.

Here’s the "Spanx Effect"

Before                               After

I bring Spanx up because I think that there should be a male line of Spanx, perhaps called ManSpanx.  The creators of Spanx probably don’t think this is very profitable because the stereotypical male doesn’t give a shit about slimming down.  But if the Spanx people were to target the GAY male then I think that ManSpanx would take off like a rocket.

Maybe call them GaySpanx or HomoSpanx?

Think it over, Spanx people, think it over.

Here are some of my thoughts on a few of the designers in the fifth season of Project Runway.

Stephen "Suede" Baum
In his own words "Suede is a bisexual sagitarius" who likes to talk about himself in the third person and annoy the blue blazes out of me.  That’s right, Blue Blazes!  He does have a unique vision though, I’ll give him that.

Wesley Nault
Wesley Nault is my crush of the season.  I hope that he doesn’t get kicked off anytime soon because I love him and love to look at him.  At this point in the season he’s quite quiet and introverted, which is awesome, quiet guys are the balls.

Blayne Walsh
Blayne is trying to hop onto Christian’s catchphrase train with a catchphrase of his own, "Licious."  It’s not much of one and every time he uses it I want to rupture an eardrum.  Please stop with the "Licious," Blayne, I’m trying to like you!

Kelli Martin
Kelli is so damn cute and has very creative ideas.  She won the first challenge and I look forward to seeing many more of her designs.  I’d be her best friend in a second.

Update: Wesley was kicked off in Episode 2.  I am sad.  Wesley you’re adorable.  Now my season crush is going to have to be Daniel Feld.  So, Daniel, please don’t get kicked off.  And maybe cut your hair a little.